By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
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Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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