Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
