I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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