Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
