dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
