Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
