Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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