I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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