Nicole vs. Life
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Green mimosas i think yes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
