the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
