Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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