We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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