I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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