before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
