Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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