Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
