Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
