My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
