I haven't been this sober since birth.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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