Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
