What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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