when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
