K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
