A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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