you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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