he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
