Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
