When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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