I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
