I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
