his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
