I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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