Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
