you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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