There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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