yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
