i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
