OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
