i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
