I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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