dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I look better un-naked...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
