She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
