woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
