Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
