I wish I could teleport
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
