I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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