I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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