i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
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Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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