So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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