How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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