we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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