Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
