My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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