First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
