dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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