Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
try to milk me bitch
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
