I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
