I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize